You all know me. Jellyjammfan.
I'm 18 years old, and I'm going through college, somehow. It's amazing what you can do after almost 18 years of being constantly bullied and put down. But my bullying stems from a different source than most other peoples.
Once I was innocently walking home from school when some boys started practically screaming it at me...and I lost it. I screamed back at them to stop and leave me alone, but they kept going. I tried ignoring them, but then two other kids came past me on bikes and hit me in the back of the head.
This is the first time I've mentioned it since.
I'm called weird because I like Pokemon and, of course, MLP.
Before our school was moved to another building, it was Red Nose day, Comic Relief. We all filed out to get our picture taken, there must have been about at leasf 100 kids. After we were told to go back inside, some of us through one door, the rest through the other. Unfortunately, the school didn't realize 50 kids would go in at the same time, and just as I had the most...horrific feeling, I was pushed towards the door, where I tripped over a step and was trampled. I closed my eyes because I was absolutely terrified, before someone finally noticed and helped me up, where I was given no medical attention beyond 'do you think you're OK or do you need to go to first aid?'. I have since developed an extreme fear of crowds, and whenever I'm in one and can't visibly see a way out, I panic and have what can only be described as the onset of a panic attack.
This was all before I turned 18 last year, 2014...and yet it's still going. I'll be sitting comfortably, minding my own business, when these girls will come by, and say, whether I can hear them or not because I'm sitting RIGHT IN FRONT OF THEM, 'she watches My Little Pony, she's weird.' 'she never talks, she 's weird.'
I don't talk much because all these years of constant bullying, being put down and being almost completely ignored have left me the most shy, anti-social person you could ever meet. When I'm around friends, I'm one of the most friendly, talkative people you could ever meet.
Now, at 18, I'm starting to fail courses that I didn't even want to do (I dropped Forensic Science because it was too much work, taken out of history because it was too much work, pushed into Criminology, and now I might fail that because it's too much work)It's gotten to the point where I don't think I can go on anymore.
I've actually researched suicide, before I was 18, but I know I would never go through with it, so don't worry.
I'm completely stressed out right now, with the bullying, the assignments, the fact that I'm trying to decide my future when I've hardly lived a decent past or present.
I know the bullying now is stupid, it's just words, bit those still cut right through me when I hear them. All my life I've been ignored, put down, bullied and tormented by almost everyone around me, and when life gets too hard, I cry.
I'm still nowhere near as mature as I should be at this age, but I can't undo 18 years in a matter of days.
But now, I know where I want to go with my life, I know what I'm doing when I leave college this year, and I know I can make my own way through the world. While I can't put my past behind me, I can at least try and move on from it.
Now, at least one thing is clear. I finally have a life to carry on with, thanks to all of you, my watchers and friends on my other accounts and of course my friends IRL.
Signed, Jellyjammfan, finally learning to stand on her own too feet.