So it's time to come clean about what I've been through in the last year or so.
1. I 've only just been made aware/realized that I suffer from Social Anxiety. I'm not good at talking to people, I can't even look some people in the eye while talking to them. I guess it stems from a whole life being bullied, so much I've been practically scared into silence. People always made fun of me for being shy, so I stopped talking and only spoke to friends and family instead. Then, people made fun of me for liking Pokemon and MLP, to the point that I went to college ahead of time to get away from it, because I couldn't deal with it anymore.
Then of course I got trampled in around Year Eight, maybe? It was COMIC RELIEF, a day that should have been fun. A hell ton of schoolkids went out so we could have a photo taken of all of us together. Afterwards, the teachers opened the door to let half of us inside, and there was a step just before the door.
About 30 kids or so ran in as fast as they could, and no teacher tried to stop or slow them down. I tripped and was pushed down by a bunch of kids scrambling to get inside, and got trampled. I don't many people physically stepped on me or anything, but there's no other word to describe it. I remember seeing people walking over me, and just layed there, closing my eyes and hoping it eoukd stop, until FINALLY, it did.
Was I given immediate attention or sent home? No.
They looked at my scraped knees, said I was fine and I was expected to get on with the day.
Because of this incident, I can't be in crowds. If I'm surrounded by people and can't physically/visually see a way out, I pabic, and start what can only he described as the onset of a panic attack.
Being constantly bullied as well, life hasn't been easy. For people making fun of my own mother just for looking different, peoole bullying me for liking Pokemon or MLP, making fun of me for being shy, 'she never talks', 'why don't you talk?', and then making fun of me further when I try to stand up for myself.
One time, I was walking home from school when the chants started, making fun of my mum, making fun of me, and I snapped. I practically screamed at the to shut up, but they didn't. I tried to ignore them, they continued. Two other kids rode past me on bikes and hit me in the back of the head twice, while I tried not to cry.
Did anyone help? No. People could clearly see I was being bullied, that I was upset, that I'd been hit, but they did nothing.
I told a teacher a few days later, nothing was done, and for all I know the bullying problem at that school is still going.
2. Now I'm waiting for my second year of college, I'm 19 and expected to get a job, and of course I will when I'm ready.
But like I said, I'm only in college in the first place because of being bullied. I have mo idea what my dreams or goals are, because I stopped caring.
I like drawing, writing, reviewing, animating, making plushies playing video games, and hope to get a career in something like one of those.
But these are things I got into to cope with my life. I don't know which one to choose, though if I had to, it would probably be amimation. I've learned more positive things from TV shows than actual people around, where I can only focus on the negative.
I just...can't do it any more. I have tried to he happy, but I can't. I reached out to a friend last year, trying to get help, only wanting to talk. But they betrayed and abandoned me when I needed them most, and I was demonized into deemed a 'cyber-bully', something that friend KNEW I would never be, because half of my life I'VE been the one bullied. Why would I do something like that unprovoked?
Because of these reasons, I'll be taking a hiatus off Deviantart. I'll still check messages and upload something I haven't yet, but that's it. I'm going to try and find help, and hopefully when I return, I'll be happy.
See you later, guys.